Having a selfish husband is a real predicament. Just the other day when I was traveling in public transport, I eavesdropped on the conversation of two women. While one said, “My husband is selfish in bed”, the other complained, “My partner makes big decisions without me”. As these two miserable women discussed the signs of an ungrateful husband, I could not help but sympathize with them.
When it comes to relationships, what if the other person only takes and never gives back? Life can become suffocating and frustrating, especially when you are tied in a marital knot with this man!
Why Do Men Become Selfish?
A selfish personality could be an inherent trait or maybe a zodiac sign weakness. It could also be a result of certain developments in life. There could be a number of reasons behind selfishness in marriage:
- Childhood experiences: Being the only child could mean he never learnt the concept of ‘sharing’, be it food/books/toys/physical space. Or maybe he had siblings who never understood him. As a result of that insecurity, complexes were formed and he eventually became an inconsiderate husband
- Birth of a child: When a couple has a child, it’s only natural for the woman’s attention to be focused on her newborn baby. This can leave the husband feeling left out. He constantly craves and demands attention and this can often translate into extremely selfish behavior
- Work stress: Every marriage gets monotonous after a point. When the husband is under extreme stress at work, he starts expecting and demanding more at home. When he is unable to have his needs met, the disappointment eventually grows into a disregard for others. And he becomes a selfish husband
- Male chauvinism: Some men have stereotypical mindsets due to their upbringing and cultural influences. He always wants to have an upper hand in everything and fights to have a superior position. They simply cannot tolerate it when their wives are ambitious or have flourishing careers. This gives rise to an inferiority complex that causes them to lash out
Related Reading: 13 Signs You Are The Selfish One In The Relationship
Top 15 Signs Of A Selfish Husband
Have you ever thought to yourself, “My partner makes big decisions without me” or “My husband only cares about himself”? It can really affect your self-esteem when your husband is not affectionate. Here are some top signs of a self-centered husband:
1. He doesn’t take interest in your interests
Natalie, a homemaker in her 30s, says, “My husband, Patrick, leads with the assumption that his career is more important and expects me to follow him around wherever his work takes him. Does he even care that I need to stay close to my friends and family? I hardly think so. Is my husband a narcissist or just selfish?”
Just like Patrick, here are some selfish husband signs:
- Doesn’t bother about your interests and dreams
- Isn’t a patient listener and rarely pays attention to you, all the while expecting you to listen to him
- Is only concerned about his needs and his well-being
2. He is always the boss
A selfish man possesses the following red flags:
- Is dominating in the relationship and unwilling to compromise on even the smallest of issues
- Lashes out on minor inconveniences
- Wants the perfect food, perfect bed linen, the towels in place, and his wardrobe in order
This bossy attitude can make your partner rude and inconsiderate toward you too. If you find yourself living with the realization, “My husband is only nice when he wants something”, it’s one of the typical signs of a bad husband.
3. He decides for you
One of the signs of a selfish husband is that he tends to believe that you are not capable of taking charge. You won’t find him considering your opinion on small things. For instance, if you’re going out to dinner date, he’ll decide the place on his own. Once you’re at the restaurant, he may go ahead and order for you as well without thinking of asking about your preferences. Even when buying gifts for wife or husband, he will buy you what he wants and never considers your likes/dislikes.
Related Reading: 8 Signs You Have A Controlling And Manipulative Husband
4. A selfish husband never says sorry
According to mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada, “Taking accountability in a healthy marriage means that you share your part of the responsibility to make that marriage work in a functional and healthy way.” A self-absorbed husband avoids taking accountability in the following ways:
- He goes into victim mode whenever fingers are pointed at him
- He never takes time to introspect/reflect on his selfish behavior
- He is receptive to criticism and lashes out if you point out his mistakes
Are you the one who has to make up after every fight and disagreement no matter who is at fault? The voice in your head screaming “My husband is selfish” is absolutely on point. If you are eager to know how to teach a lesson to selfish husband, perhaps you should give him a taste of his own medicine. It’s high time you stop being apologetic about every minor clash and put an end to walking on eggshells around him.
5. He is ungrateful
Is there anything more heartbreaking and exhausting than living with an unappreciative husband? In every relationship, both partners demand (read: deserve) a little bit of gratitude and acknowledgment from their better half. But if you have a selfish husband on your hands, he will be as inconsiderate as ever.
No matter what you do to make your husband happy, he is forever ungrateful . You will never hear him thanking you for your romantic gestures. He thinks taking you for granted is his birthright. How to deal with a selfish husband? Well, as long as you don’t put your foot down and assert yourself, this pattern is not going to change.
6. He doesn’t reach out after a fight
A selfish person almost inevitably has certain narcissistic tendencies, which fuel their desire to always be on the winning side. Rebecca shares with us, “Every discussion with my husband transforms into an argument in no time. And he has this magical power to manipulate me into believing that I am the one to blame for everything. There is no winning with him!”
Many of us, like Rebecca, unfortunately may have a partner who is selfish in marriage. At the end of an argument, he will be unwilling to initiate a resolution. Chances are you will always have to be the one approaching him first after a fight in the hopes of making amends.
Related Reading: 7 Things To Do When You Fall Out Of Love With Your Husband
7. He always criticizes you
As a loving husband, your partner should be bringing out the best in you by showing you the error of your ways and encouraging you to be the best version of yourself. But there is a huge difference between correcting and criticizing. If your partner is always belittling you and making you feel worthless, these are the traits of a selfish husband.
8. He can’t even do the bare minimum
A Reddit user wrote, “My husband makes everything about himself. I got no mothers day gift, but he got himself a new boat motor. Not even a card. He can’t help much with bills, but he can buy tons of things for his different hobbies. We’re 5 years in and I’m already burnt out. He won’t go to therapy. Ugh. I can only scream into the void for so long.”
As she mentions, even a cute card as a compliment is enough to make someone happy. A little admiration with affirmative words like “You look beautiful today” can certainly go a long way. Sadly, if your husband is selfish, it is possible that he almost never compliments you for any of your exceptional qualities (like how well you take care of the children). Don’t expect him to buy you a dress because he feels it will look good on you. We are afraid to break it to you but that’s the last thing on his mind.
9. No displays of affection
As they say, “A warm hug can make everything all right.” Cuddling with each other, holding hands, resting on your hubby’s shoulders, or looking into each other’s eyes are all very meaningful gestures that increase the intimacy in a relationship. However, with a self-centered spouse, such displays of affection are few and far between.
10. He avoids communication
For a relationship to thrive, open communication is the key. Good communication in relationships doesn’t necessarily mean talking for hours on end. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts/worries/concerns honestly and openly to your spouse. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage.
11. The sex is all about him
In the American Psychological Association (APA) dictionary, the definition of “selfishness” is listed as, “the tendency to act excessively or solely in a manner that benefits oneself, even if others are disadvantaged.” And this hold true for outside as well as inside the bedroom.
If your husband is only focused on his needs in bed, there is no doubt that he is selfish. Does your husband demand intimacy like it’s his right? When you’re together, is the act all about him achieving the big O? Does he leave you high and dry once he is done? If yes, you’re right in thinking, “My husband always puts himself first and that’s very selfish of him.”
12. Doesn’t share the work load
A Reddit user wrote, “My husband is a lazy father. There are worse, much worse, and he isn’t a deadbeat, and he loves his daughter a lot. But I do literally 90-95% of the parenting; I parent 24 hours a day and am lucky if he steps in for an hour here or there. I haven’t slept for longer than 3 hours in a row since she was born and I’m at the end of my rope.”
To deal with a selfish husband during pregnancy and also after that, can be the worst possible nightmare. Here are some more signs of an uncaring husband:
- He doesn’t pick up his plate from the dining table
- He gets mad at you for not washing his clothes on time
- He expects you to do all the housework when the maid ditches
13. No romantic dates
According to research, husbands and wives who engaged in couple time with their mates at least once a week were approximately
3.5 times more likely to report being “very happy” in their marriages, compared to those who enjoyed less quality time with
their spouse.
So, one of the signs of an uncaring husband is that he wouldn’t be into this kind of stuff at all. Neither will he get you flowers and wine or cook you dinner for a romantic evening at home. If your husband is not on board for any of these activities, it is a cause for concern.
14. A selfish husband doesn’t compromise
A Reddit user wrote, “The thing that gets me so angry is, I NEVER tell him he can’t golf or do any of his favorite activities. Mostly because he works hard all week, its not usually a big deal. But the ONE FUCKING TIME I could have done something I love to do, he couldn’t sacrifice a second round of golf with his friends so I could play volleyball for 2 hours.”
Often, if your husband does whatever he wants and you’re the one who’s always sacrificing, it’s an unequal marriage. Self-centered people tend to think that the sun shines out of their rear and they are the center of the universe. This can start to make you feel neglected in the relationship. It’s important that you find ways to take care of yourself.
Related Reading: 8 Common “Narcissistic Marriage” Problems And How To Handle Them
15. He doesn’t check in
The most important thing in a partnership is checking up to make the other side feel good. Here are some examples:
- “How was your day?”
- “You worked so hard for that presentation. How did it go?”
- “I know you had a rough couple of weeks. How are you feeling?”
If your husband is never concerned about whether you’re in a good mood or not, chances are that he is self-absorbed. If you’re thinking, “Should I leave my selfish husband?”, here’s a detailed guide for you on how to go about it.
How to deal with a selfish husband?
Looking for tips on how to teach a lesson to your selfish husband? Follow these easy steps:
- Journal to pinpoint what exactly you want from the relationship
- Use “I” statements to express your needs without blaming (For example, say “I feel disappointed that you don’t check on me” instead of saying “You hurt me by thinking just about yourself”)
- You also become a little selfish about your needs, do away with the people pleasing and start saying “No” to things you dislike
- Be kind (instead of lashing out) while expressing your needs (Say “I would appreciate it if you share the work load” instead of “You are such a jerk! Can’t you see I am exhausted?”)
- Take self-care seriously and unapologetically take vacations to detox from your routine (gift yourself a good spa day too)
- If you feel unheard even after expressing your needs multiple times, consider breaking it off
Finally, not every marriage is a smooth ride, but it is important that both people in the relationship make efforts to better their lives together. Dear couples, sit and communicate about your problems because your marriage and your love for each other are worth all the trouble! If you still cannot sort things out, consult a relationship counselor from Bonobology’s panel. As a last resort, leave him if nothing else works. We wish you luck.
FAQs
Breaking a relationship is way easier than trying to make it work and sticking by each other through thick and thin. If you decide to walk away from a partnership at the slightest hint of inconvenience, you would never be able to stay with anyone for long. So, first, give your marriage a fair chance. Discuss the issues clearly with your husband, go for couples counseling – do everything that is in your power. If he remains the same selfish person in the end, you may reconsider the future of this relationship.
Husbands can ignore their spouses for a host of reasons. To decipher why it is happening in your marriage, you need to analyze whether he has always been like this or it is a recent tendency. If he has started ignoring you lately but wasn’t always like this, it could be because he is too occupied with work or may have lost interest in you. The possibility of another romantic partner or infidelity cannot be ruled out either.
Yes, it is perfectly normal to dislike – even resent – your husband for being selfish. After all, relationships are a two-way street. And you cannot give love and affection to a partner who is not mindful of your needs and desires.
Hate is an extremely strong and negative emotion. The fact that you’re still living with him despite his selfishness is an indication that you don’t really hate him. But yes, you may feel a strong resentment or dislike toward him. And it is possible to confuse these feelings with hatred. But if you do hate him, we understand. That’s valid too.
